I am planning a post on the depersonalization of the corporate world, retail outlets, service enterprises and even law firms. Needless to say, my week has been a bloody mess, and the stress almost ate me alive. Just preparing the post has caused me to feel nauseated. So in anticipation of my next, very serious post, here are some laughs for some anticipatory relief.
Lipstick in School (priceless)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. (You can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses.) To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.
Love At 36,000 Feet
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait…
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.”I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you.. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
Goldman CEO to Perform Community Service as Treasury Secretary
‘Will Do Less Harm’ in New Post, Says Treasury Spokesperson
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) In a settlement of the
government’s securities fraud case against Goldman Sachs, the
bank’s CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, has agreed to perform two years of
community service as Treasury Secretary of the United States.
At a press conference in New York, Mr. Blankfein said that as Treasury
Secretary he would “continue to do God’s work as I did at Goldman,
but at a significant pay cut.”
A Treasury Dept. spokesperson said that by performing community
service as Treasury Secretary, Mr. Blankfein will be able to do less harm
to the economy because he will have significantly less power than he had as
Chairman of Goldman.
His experience at Goldman, however, will be “invaluable” in his new
role as Treasury Secretary, the spokesperson said: “Lloyd
Blankfein’s years of marketing worthless securities have prepared
him for the important task of selling Treasuries to the Chinese.”
Mr. Blankfein is the latest in a long line of Goldman chairmen to serve
as Treasury Secretary, although he is believed to be the first to do so
while wearing an electronic ankle bracelet. More here.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop came in for a haircut. When he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open, he found a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut. When he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
Many thanks to my humor editor, Ms. Seven Striper and her assistant Lilleyhope.