Newt the Beaut


So Newt the Never-Mute publicly admitted that his penchant for hard work and patriotism was responsible for his aberrant sexual appetite and disregard for his marriage vows.  He has however, converted to Catholicism recently so such a lack of morality could never happen again.  But should his desires once more overtake him  in the future, Americans should forgive and forget, as his sins are just a reflection of his undying loyalty to America.

Somehow, that leap of faith is not very comforting.  For centuries, the prelates and priests of the almighty Catholic Church have sexually abused thousands of children.  Should we believe that their motivation was just too much damn hard work for their Almighty, toiling tirelessly to save souls, all the while destroying the young and vulnerable?

If Newt thinks he worked hard as the leader of the House, he will be floored by the amount of work the Presidency entails.  Uh-oh.  What if his deviancy returns, due to all the stresses of maintaining his patriotism?  What if even his new-found religion can’t save him?  The moral tenets of the Church certainly didn’t prevent their leaders from committing deviant, sexual sins.  Does anyone else, besides moi, see the utter irony, the emptiness, of justifying one’s actions by citing the precepts of an institution that repeatedly violated its own standards?

Newt is asking America to equate his disgusting behavior with his great patriotism.  I am not buying it.  Are you?  Gail Collins wrote a scathing Op-Ed piece on this issue.  Personally, the article was not nearly scathing enough.  Newt’s rationalization for his past sexual activity is so morally out of line that it just tickles my funny bone.  Or it would if his explanation wasn’t so pathetic.  Can you imagine, after screwing around on his first two wives, he then committed adultery with wife-to-be number three, who just happened to be a congressional aide 23 years his junior?  What balls!  No, wait: what an American!  Newt committed this particular adultery during the time that he fought for the impeachment of President Clinton, due to his own adulterous affair in the White House.  I tell you: Newt must be the patriot of all patriots.

I can just envision Newt, in the middle of one of his peccadilloes, screaming in rapture, “God, I love America!”  WWJD?

Who is really the more stupid party here?  Newt, for asking us to believe that his love for America was the culprit in his past contempt for moral behavior?  Or is the real idiot the American public, who just might fall for Newt’s disrespect for decent behavior whenever the concept of religion is invoked, forgiveness and redemption asked for and the plum job of the Presidency is up for grabs?

The best part about Collins’ article is Newt’s condemnation of President Obama:

“He has called Barack Obama ‘authentically dishonest,’ and ‘a person who is fundamentally out of touch with how the world works, who happened to have played a wonderful con, as a result of which he is now president.’

If only Obama had committed adultery instead of health care reform, I’m sure they’d be getting along a lot better.”

Now I am truly on the floor dying of laughter.  Imagine: a man devoted to his wife and daughters, truly working tirelessly for his country, being called a con man who is out of touch with reality.  I DNPMPL and BMGWL because Newt’s premise is so FUBB.  Truly, this presidential contender has hit bottom and is digging a hole so deep out of which he will not be able to climb, despite his ridiculous explanations.

However, Newt’s allegiance and dedication to America is second to none, based on, of course, his own work ethic and definition of patriotism.  WTFITS?


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